I know the agony and pain of years of shame and guilt....I suffered with it for over 30 years...There is no easy answer to give you...but I can suggest a couple of things...
First completely let go and give your pain to God... no easy feat...and you must forgive yourself... 100%
And remember that God always loves you and he forgives you and he forgets all your sins through Jesus
God Bless you 🙏❤️🙏